May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, town Traditionally noted for ancient lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed within the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally out of place. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, confident, let's have Yet another put where by American Adult males can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: provide Everybody a suite around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle electrical power," reported political Trump Tower Damascus strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It is really that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the building's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is really not merely ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "where by's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting notice from Global traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may also involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge where my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *